Is it truly in my control? — R Voice

Is it truly in my control?

Vivien Kretz
Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

A lot of the things we worry about in life are out of our control. So this post is to show examples for what we CAN and CANNOT control and is thus a chart to re-direct our energy. 

What are your takes on this? What did you have to realise as out of your control?



  • Tony Nwankwo
    Tony Nwankwo Member Posts: 9

    @Vivien Kretz , I totally agree with the components of the chart you presented above. This came at the time when I started paying close attention to the things within my control just to ensure and maintain inner peace of mind and happiness. Just as you rightly observed, a lot of the things we worry about in life are out of our control. One big question is; how many of us humans realize and accept that fact.

    You know, when we have the interest of others at heart, and we want to see them progress in life, we often think we are entitled or that we have what it takes to compel or, better still, talk them into doing what we feel is good for them, without realizing that there are limits to what we can influence or control about them.

    Some time ago, I had a few friends who approached me to teach them a particular course that was giving them serious concern. I saw the seriousness in them, and I accepted to do them that favor, and they were all happy. As time passed, I realized that they didn't take the issue as seriously as I expected.

    I would always call them, text, email them, and even give them assignments that would help them advance quickly through the learning process. The level of energy they put into the learning process wasn't encouraging at all

    Being that they were my friends, I became worried about them and the effortlessness they were displaying.

    Funny enough, I tried talking to them, encouraging them to put in more effort, and they promised to improve. At the end of the day, what happened? I didn't see any form of improvement, and I became more worried.

    Meanwhile, what was giving them concern had no impact of any kind on me.

    So why the worry !!!

    It was then that I realized that there are limits to what I can influence or control in them. Hence, I can't control their opinions, what they think, their actions, and their beliefs. So why do I need to worry when I can't control how they want to go about getting the required help they need. That decision was totally theirs and not mine.

    Having realized that I could not control certain aspects of their lives and decisions, I decided to soft-pedal, It was then that I started experiencing peace of mind, I set certain boundaries and developed that aspect of self-care, for myself, and the next thing was that they started complaining that I don't care about them any longer. ...😀.

    But that decision I took to stop the worrying, saved me a lot of energy, which I channeled to building myself.

    Since then, I have learned to follow people just the way they follow themselves.

    So, I think self-share should even be included in the things in my control chart, just after self-care.

    Self-care before self-share🕺

  • Gayatri Ramachandran
    Gayatri Ramachandran Member Posts: 147 ✭✭✭

    What a helluva coincidence @Vivien Kretz ! I just had a discussion on this with my aunt this weekend, who is also my mentor and friend as we discuss life, its mystics and philosophy.😍 I sought her help in trying to channelise my energy and get less stressed about daily routine and activities. We ran through my daily routine - where and how I can cut down on certain activities through better planning. Since close family thats a part of me and unavoidable on a daily basis, who's the who that can be avoided and how I should learn to say a firm "No" instead of trying to please people and be too empathetic over and above my needs and self-care.

    With respect to the image you have shared, I must admit I tend to care too much about other people's feelings even while I am hurt- something that an empathetic soul does quite often, at their own expense. It runs in my genes so I its tough to fight that emotion but with my aunt's help (who is also a similar soul) as well as the universe that gives me hints through you all at the right time, I am realising my follies and learning to "change" for my own good🤗

    It closely resonates to quite a few discussions we had on drawing boundaries with others to maintain our peace of mind.

    Again, I feel so blessed that such pointers come at the same time from like-minded souls which means a lot to me!!❤️ In fact this has been happening quite often recently, ever since I resolved to "change" and sticking to my guns thanks to all the nudges from @Omololu FAGBADEBO, yourself and the entire family, which ALWAYS comes at the right time! WOW!!

  • Omololu FAGBADEBO
    Omololu FAGBADEBO Member Posts: 144 ✭✭✭

    @Vivien Kretz , at times, our environment and circumstances would determine what we can control. The dynamics of life define what we do most of the time. Nevertheless, we are still the master of our life because the decision we take is conditioned on where we are, what we want, what we need, and the season of life.

    One thing at a time😍

  • Andrea Hayward
    Andrea Hayward Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 851 admin
    edited May 10

    Such an insightful comment @Tony Nwankwo ! It's so nice to have you back on the community. Definitely worth the wait 🙂

    Thank you for sharing this experience with us. You're so right. Even in a situation where we're trying to help someone and have their best interest at heart, there's only so much we can do to help them and then the rest is up to them. How they perceive our help and support, how they respond, how they act thereafter is beyond our control and we shouldn't let these things worry us. I know this is easier said than done and we're only human. But I'm so glad that this was a learning experience for you, and one that we can all learn from now.

    I love the concept of "self-share" that you mentioned. It aligns with my thoughts on boundaries. We can have boundaries and still be kind, caring individuals. There'll always be people who want us to share our time, energy, support, etc. But how much we chose to give of ourselves should be completely up to us and everything else we have going on at the time. We can't pour from an empty cup 🙂

  • Gayatri Ramachandran
    Gayatri Ramachandran Member Posts: 147 ✭✭✭

    Again the universe pointed to the same thing through the Editage quote for the day, why today only@Vivien Kretz ! Im feeling so positive! Man, isn't this so very comforting and motivating to the core!

  • Andrea Hayward
    Andrea Hayward Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 851 admin

    @Vivien Kretz thank you for sharing this image. I'm sure this will be a helpful reminder about different things for different R Voicers 🤗

    Personally, I've struggled with reminding myself that I have no control over other peoples' actions and opinions, even if those actions are directed towards me or if the opinions are about me. With time, I've gotten better at this but I still have slip-ups sometimes. When I do, I try to think of the situation as rationally as I possibly can and bring it all down to how perception differs across people. I could've done my best to help someone or show up for them, but if they perceive that I could've done more, then in their eyes I'm always going to fall short. The same applies to other peoples' actions. I try and remind myself that just because I was involved in an interaction, it doesn't mean that I must take responsibility for the other person's actions. It could possibly have had nothing to do with me.

    It's taken me some time to create a habit out of this but it's worth the effort. It relieves a ton of stress and gives me time to focus on things that are more important and beneficial for me 🙂

    What is your take on this? I'd love to hear.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Thank you for raising that point @Tony Nwankwo . It truly is about how many of us realise the fact that not everything is in our control.

    You are so right! We think we know a thing or two about the subject and therefore think it is suitable to start talking people into it. That’s why I always wait and ask if people would LIKE to hear my opinion or not. And then I finish with “But it is your decision and there is no expectation from my side for you to finish my advice”. 😊

    Omg, that situation of yours is so familiar to me! It really is so important for you to set a boundary first and foremost for yourself to understand that their project is “not your circus, not your monkeys.” I realise how hard that is when you sincerely want the best for someone. But we will get there. You already took a great step.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭
    edited May 12

    Love this thread @Gayatri Ramachandran . It's the 'firm no' for me. 😊

    What you said about others' feelings reminds me of this song by Willow- "How you feel is not my problem." The sooner we realise that it is out of our control, the sooner we become more compassionate and mild with ourselves. As long as you do not want to specifically want to hurt someone, you cannot do harm. I get that it is hard because we all want the best for those we love. But sometimes, it is important to realise that even if we think we know what is best for them, it might not be best for them. 😊

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Exactly, we are not always in control of our circumstances, but we are very well in control of the way we see our lives. Sometimes it is so hard to realise, but perspective really is everything.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    I absolutely agree, I love the concept of self-share as well!

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Look, it is all adding up! 😊 The universe is aligning these messages for you, I am 100% sure.