A move away from self view binaries — R Voice

A move away from self view binaries

Vivien Kretz
Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

Many things in our perception are often excluding each other, especially in our perception of ourselves.

One thing that I am just learning myself is that I am healing and falling back sometimes in the same journey. They do not have to exclude each other.

Of this chart I find "Kind & Set Boundaries" especially powerful.

Which two things can go together for you?


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Comments

  • Omololu FAGBADEBO
    Omololu FAGBADEBO Member Posts: 144 ✭✭✭

    @Vivien Kretz , this is challenging but possible. I go for "Smiling & Struggling" and "Extrovert & Alone". The second used to be a nightmare but became a reality during the COVID-19 Lockdown and has since been my defining characteristic🤣

    One thing at a time😍

  • Adaora Anyichie - Odis
    Adaora Anyichie - Odis Member Posts: 124 ✭✭✭✭

    I can be smiling and struggling and I can be kind and set boundaries.

  • Tony Nwankwo
    Tony Nwankwo Member Posts: 9

    @Vivien Kretz, Before now, I used to be kind without setting boundaries, but experience has taught me the importance of self-care. Hence, am now kind and always set boundaries. Clear boundaries precisely.

    Though I can also be smiling and struggling.😂

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Omg yes @Omololu FAGBADEBO , it was very very hard to be a natural extrovert during the pandemic as there were no infrastructures provided for extroverts. I hope that now the Covid situation has gotten a bit better so you can live your full extrovert potential again. 🔆

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Yes! Absolutely! No struggle should ever be that terrible that it steals your smile.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    I can relate very much @Tony Nwankwo . Setting boundaries is so important and at the beginning, it made me feel like a villain. Even though it has nothing to do with that. When you constantly give and give, people are gonna take the way you give as natural and self-explicable and there is nothing more terrible than that.

  • Gayatri Ramachandran
    Gayatri Ramachandran Member Posts: 147 ✭✭✭

    A very intriguing post @Vivien Kretz. It took me a minute o let what you have posted sink in😁. I can relate cent percent to @Tony Nwankwo says here. I was precisely the same Vivien! We did have a discussion on similar grounds earlier in another post where you kind of indirectly taught me to be kind and set boundaries. I still have that on my wall and keep drawing motivation from it to not feel guilty about being kind and yet set boundaries😍. Thanks to you for that kinda "change" you have brought about in me🤗.

    That said, I am also "vulnerable and powerful". My better half had made me realise this combination in me during my moments of depression coupled with anger, that resulted on account of my vulnerability and blind trust on mankind. In the same discussion that we had, I did admit how I was tricked twice, a testimony to me having been vulnerable. But no more! Im so glad to acknowledge this and grateful to you for nudging me to hit two birds with one stone through your kind words of wisdom ✌️.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    I am very happy you kept that inspiration to kindly set boundaries on your wall @Gayatri Ramachandran ! Absolutely amazing! 😊 I think we all need a permanent reminder like that, so thank you for setting an example. 🌷

    Yes, even though you are vulnerable and show it, that does not entail that you are less impactful. Asking for help has nothing to do with being weak. I am so glad we are on this journey together.

  • Isurika Sevwandi
    Isurika Sevwandi Member Posts: 110 ✭✭✭✭

    What a captivating post in every way @Vivien Kretz 👏 I can relate to all these intersecting circles and have stories to resonate with them but for the moment let me elaborate on being an introvert by childhood and reaching out as an academic. I think I have grown up a lot in this arena thanks to my undergraduate life which was full of vibrancy. Being a geographer made me a stronger person capable of interacting with people. team building, leading, and communicating are essential life skills it is mandatory to be actively involved in teamwork not only in the classroom but also at laboratories, field excursions, presentations, and many other events that we were responsible for organizing. I think when we are given "responsibilities" to perform a certain task given a deadline, we tend to work under pressure but come up with our greatest potential (this is my personal story) so when I was given the leadership to take care of my team, I had to deliberately make my mind to reach out, be empathetic, be sensitive and get others comments to be it a praise or critique; with the same weight. This transitioned me towards an extrovert capable of reaching out to be in the little circle of niche friends who had similar goals and plans, personal traits, and experiences to me. The strength I improved via reaching out really made me a flexible teacher where students would authentically be close and open up no matter what is it about.

    I totally agree with @Tony Nwankwo on setting boundaries to become an assertive person. I have done my fault as it is described by @Gayatri Ramachandran by trusting people than they deserve, being so sympathetic to theatre level life dramas of close friends and now I have my own boundaries even to my close friends just to prioritize me and my self-love which is the ultimate target of everything I do, I think and I posses.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Thank you for this interesting insight @Isurika Sevwandi! 🥰 Yes, I 100% agree. Interacting with others opens up so many possibilities not only concerning networking but also in the general sense of working together. I am glad that you learned to adapted and had the capability to become more extroverted in the workplace. For me, personally, I still struggle with that at the moment so your story definitely struck a chord with me and inspired me. I would like to learn from you and ask you: which point did you use as a starting off point for interacting that actively with other researchers? I find it difficult to find “where to start”.

  • Isurika Sevwandi
    Isurika Sevwandi Member Posts: 110 ✭✭✭✭

    Glad that you are inspired by the comment @Vivien Kretz and I think the most important thing is to find common ground with everyone. We are all together here commenting on each other's thoughts, ideas because we value either the insights/ lessons learned/ experience/ tone/ the story-worthy moment of their post that we value the effort that they make to pen their thoughts which is a struggle if we are not native speakers of English/ we are running around the clock. So, for me, I believe we can find something to talk about with everyone but "being the initiator of the discussion" is really important; whether it is to learn from them, with them or question/ criticize/ appreciate them.

    At first, I thought my points are not valid since I am an amateur/ newbie to the field but raising our concerns be it nerdy or foolish is very important since we need to gather courage for that. Active listening and often questing helped me a lot to connect with people and even create life-long relationships. Hope these few ideas would help you↗️

  • Jayashree Rajagopalan
    Jayashree Rajagopalan Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 316 admin


    I feel seen @Vivien Kretz and in a nice way. I love how your post encourages us to be more open and vulnerable about what we feel/experience deep down. I can totally relate to this but never thought about it as binaries. I often tell my partner that I only appear to be an extrovert when, in fact, I feel quite "solitary". He still needs to agree with me but that might take a while. 😀 Is it okay that I just can't pick one set I identify with? I've experienced each of these at different points in life and in ways/situations I can't elaborate. At the moment I strongly relate to "capable yet lost" and "smiling and struggling". I think we need to share this chart with more and more researchers out there, just to normalize this kind of binary existence with our own state of mind and to drive home the fact that any experience is transient (some phases last longer than others but that doesn't undermine their impact on us). This might certainly make a difference to those (like me) who are pretty hard on themselves and need a nudge or assurance or two every now and then.

  • Gayatri Ramachandran
    Gayatri Ramachandran Member Posts: 147 ✭✭✭

    I can totally relate to this @Isurika Sevwandi -"..the most important thing is to find common ground with everyone". Despite drawing boundaries, we can still be frank, open to discussions and healthy conversations. Cheers to @Vivien Kretz for nudging us to converse on common binaries☺️. Like you said, Ive also learnt to draw boundaries with close friends as well and yet be close with them, through mindful and well-meaning conversations.

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    That is true! I like to connect with people on a shared interest specifically and I think it is so simple that sometimes we forget about how crucial it is.

    I read this amazing quote about being a newbie the other day:

    "Be scared, and do it anyway. Be under-qualified, and get in the room anyway. Comfort is the enemy of growth. Get uncomfortable."

    What we have to say is important no matter which point of our journey we are at.

    Thank you so much for sharing your insights! 😊 I appreciate it! It made me realise that there actually are a lot of things I already thought about unconsciously, but obviously, there is still so much to learn. ❤️‍🩹

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    Haha @Jayashree Rajagopalan it really must be my deal - to hit a soft spot 😂. I find it amazing that you didn't look at these feelings and behaviours as binary, because that is the deal about it very much. To not see it as a binary. So you already are a step ahead.

    It is exactly how you said - You are a bit and a lot of each of them, it is a fluctuation of characteristics and always a combination of them.

    Yes, I would love that! Let's carry this chart into the world!

    Because yes, it is possible to be capable and still figuring things out. Very possible. 😊

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭

    I am very proud of you @Gayatri Ramachandran for drawing and actively setting these boundaries. I am glad to see your progress and that you are so happy about it. 😊

  • Gayatri Ramachandran
    Gayatri Ramachandran Member Posts: 147 ✭✭✭

    You are a myriad of personalities @Jayashree Rajagopalan ! At least to me you've been more of the introvert than an extrovert, in a positive way, throughout our interactions 😁. I could sense the struggle behind the smile and how diverse you are as a person, which is amazing! Ive met just ONE person like you earlier. So aren't you unique (I can see you smile now 😉)

  • Andrea Hayward
    Andrea Hayward Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 851 admin

    Great post @Vivien Kretz! I'm glad to see the R Voice Community talking about this :)

    I have often fallen into the trap of "black and white" thinking, especially during self-talk. Needless to say it is not a good experience and has led me to be very hard on myself more times that I'd like to admit.

    The ones I relate to most are "Capable & Lost" and "Extravert & Alone". I'd also like to add something that I used to think was a binary. I have since learned that I was wrong and the two are never mutually exclusive - "Emotional & Strong". I'm sure that there are others who (like me) think or used to think that you aren't strong if you're emotional and that emotional people can never be strong. But this is so not true. We can be both, and many of us are! 🙂

  • Vivien Kretz
    Vivien Kretz Member Posts: 208 ✭✭✭
    edited April 21

    You are touching on an important topic here @Andrea Hayward, binaries are very much part of our self talk and self-care. The mission is changing the way that we talk to ourselves first and foremost so that is also why I decided to make this post. We deserve to be addressed with compassion and more than just limiting words. Yes, I LOVE emotional and strong. Couldn't agree more!

  • Andrea Hayward
    Andrea Hayward Member, Administrator, Moderator Posts: 851 admin
    edited April 25

    "We deserve to be addressed with compassion and more than just limiting words." - So true @Vivien Kretz

    We often reserve our kindness, compassion, and understanding for the people we care about. Most of us don't even realize how hard we've been on ourselves, until we're forced to think about it. We need to start treating ourselves as we do those who we care about 🙂 (gosh! the irony of this sentence)